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Mother Mouse was taking her children out for a stroll one evening. Just as they were about to turn into an alley, out jumped a fierce dog. "Grrrrrrrr!" it growled. Without any hesitation, Mother Mouse barked, "Bow wow wow!!" That stunned the dog and it turned and ran away with its tail between its legs. Baby Mouse, shaking with fear, asked, "What did you do, Ma?" "Nothing, dear. Just showing you how important it is to know a second language," said Mother Mouse with a smile, looking very pleased with herself.BH Lee
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Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".Student: I is the... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.Taken from:
http://iteslj.org/c/jokes.html
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Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a funny language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.Taken from:
http://www.ahajokes.com/eng002.html
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The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.
Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be unclear or confusing.
So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.
This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.Taken from:
http://www.ahajokes.com/eng008.html
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A prisoner had a visitor one day. A few minutes later the prison warden was surprised to see the visitor leaving so soon. He went over and asked the latter,"Are you related to the man in Cell 8A?"The visitor answered, "Brothers and sisters I have none. That man's father is my father's son!"So.. what is the relationship between the visitor and the prisoner?
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These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations across the United States and rest of the world.
Sign in an Acapulco Hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."
Sign in a Norwegian lounge: "Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."
Sign on a door to a psychiatric ward: "Please do not disturb further."
Sign in an office: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
Sign in a veterinary's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"Taken from:
http://www.ahajokes.com/random_funny_headlines.shtml
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A man joined a big multi-national company as a trainee.
On his first day, he dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone:
"Bring me a cup of coffee, quickly!"
The voice from the other side responded: "You fool; you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to?"
"No" replied the trainee.
"It's the Managing Director of the company, you idiot!"
The trainee shouted back: "And do you know who YOU are talking to,
you IDIOT?"
"No!" replied the Managing Director angrily.
"Thank God!" replied the trainee and put down the phone
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1. How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
2. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
3. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
4. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
5. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?
6. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
7. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
8. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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A wealthy man takes his son to the country to show him how poor people live.
Father and son spend three days and two nights on the farm of a very poor family.
On their return from the trip, the father asks his son, "Son, how was the trip?"
"It was great, Pa."
"Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
"Yeah," responded the son.
"Well? What did you learn from the trip?
The son answered, "I saw that we have one dog and they had four. We have a pool that is half the size of our garden and they have a creek that has no end. We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have stars at night. Our patio stretches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon. We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go as far as our eyes can see. We have servants who serve us but they serve others. We buy food but they grow theirs. We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them."
The father was speechless.
Then the son added, "Thanks, Pa, for showing me how poor we are."
Friends, it is all a question of perspective. We shouldn't worry about what we don't have, but be thankful for everything that we have.
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A visitor asked the Director of a mental asylum what criterion was used to decide if a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patients and ask them to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand, "the visitor said, "a normal person would use the bucket because it's the biggest."
"Hahaha.." the Director laughed, "a normal person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with or without a view?"
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A lexophile is someone who loves words.
If you are a lexophile, then you will enjoy these.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow;
fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you may be repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
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